Many people struggle with not feeling sexy. They don't think they match up with the sexy ideals that are sold by Hollywood and magazines. This lack of self-confidence can affect both men and women. Unfortunately, not feeling sexy and prevent you from putting yourself out there or enjoying yourself with your partner as much as you can. In some instances, it can even kill a relationship. However, there are things you can do to feel sexier.
Why Your Partner Isn't the Answer
A lot of partners make the mistake of thinking that their attraction to their partners is all that should matter, but it just doesn't work that way. If you don't feel sexy, then nothing your partner says or does can truly change that. However, it might help a bit. Instead, you need to focus on what you can do.
Not being able to feel sexy usually stems from insecurity, and why wouldn't be a little insecure in our world? We're bombarded with images that depict what is sexy, and it's a very narrow definition! For women, it typically means thin but with curvy breasts and busts. The western world often prizes blonde hair and white features. Men are not free of expectations, either; they must be tall, muscular, and have a strong jaw. And while there is some leeway, people of people, with disabilities, who are not youthful, or who do not or cannot subscribe to stereotypically masculine or feminine appearances are ignored or even belittled for not being “sexy.”
And that's all just implicit messages. Anyone who has explicitly been told there is something wrong with their face, body, voice, or mannerisms has to deal not only with the fear that they are not sexy to the world but with the knowledge that at least one person absolutely agrees. It's heartbreaking.
It can be understandably difficult to get over those insecurities, which is why I recommend anyone who has taken the other steps that I'm about to suggest but still struggles with self-esteem, confidence, and feeling sexy to see out professional help. Sometimes we need assistance to get over issues that have been compounding for years. It's okay to ask for help, and your feelings are valid. To specifically deal with issues related to sex and body confidence, look for therapists who are sex-positive and body-positive.
Expose Yourself to the Full Range of Sexy
However, some people can make changes in their lives to feel sexier (and you can continue to do these things even if you're seeking professional help). The first step is simply to broaden your gaze. While Hollywood and fitness magazines show you a very limited definition of beauty (it is changing, albeit sloooowly), you can make a point of looking at different bodies. There are plenty of body-positive communities online as well as body-positive models whom you can follow. Exposing yourself to people who aren't perfectly proportionate, who don't edit out their cellulite, who have scars or acne, who may use assistive devices, or who otherwise deviate from what we've been led to believe is the one true way to be sexy.
Of course, this can cover any type of media, not just social. Be cognizant of the bodies in the media you consume, whether that's TV and movies, video games, comics, books, or something else. As you expand your definition of sexiness, you might find that it now has room for you! Regardless, it's healthy to remind yourself of the variety of bodies that exist in the world.
Some people can also benefit from exposing themselves to their own bodies more. If you're never naked (even when you have sex) and avoid the mirror, you're telling yourself that not only are you not sexy, but you're not worth looking at! This gives those negative thoughts power. So get naked, keep the lights on (so your partner can see, too), and take a long look. Get used to your body. It's the only one you've got!
Remember What Your Body Does For You
On top of this, you can change how you think about your body. You might have heard the saying, “I am not fat, I have fat,” which is true. But you can go deeper than that. It's easy to be harsh when you focus on how your body looks, what about how it functions? Your body has served you every day of your life! And while some of those days it may have served you better, you can always count the breaths it's taken. When you think about it, however, your body may have provided you with some impressive support whether that was carrying and birthing a child, running a marathon, caring for someone else, lifting product, or otherwise proving that it could do more than you realized. It's hard to hate your body when you realize all you have to be grateful for.
Sexy Outside, Confident Inside
Up until now, we've focused on things that aren't necessarily sexual, but it's time to ramp it up. You've exposed yourself to a wider range of bodies and expressed appreciation to your own, but you still don't feel sexy. What can you do? There's something to be said for dolling yourself up, whatever form that might take. Some people like a haircut or blowout. Others enjoy doing their makeup and nails – or having someone else do those things for them. Don't think this doesn't apply to people who prefer a more masculine look. What about going in for a facial and a straight shave? Or treating your skin at home?
It can be especially helpful to care for yourself in these ways if you've gotten in the habit of ignoring yourself, perhaps because you've been exhausted and busy or simply because you don't feel sexy. A reminder that you can be beautiful can do wonders and may evoke a reaction from your partner as well. Now, you don't need to do these things, but you can if it will help.
Clothing can make all the difference, too. It shows when you're in something that makes you feel good and is comfortable. After all, there's a reason why people wear power suits. If you're trying to hide your body or feel uncomfortable, your demeanor will change. Your mind might automatically go to lingerie, and that's a great option when you want to be more explicitly sexual, but the right boots or pair of jeans can make a person feel like they're walking on top of the world. And while masculine people might have fewer options, a well-fitted suit or simply jeans and a button-down can give your confidence a boost as well.
Of course, lingerie is a fantastic way to feel sexy whether you're wearing it beneath you're clothing or it's all you're wearing. Some people feel sexier simply browsing the options online. To find the right piece, you may need to search for the right cut and color, and reviews can definitely help narrow down what's worth buying. Shopping in person so you can try things on is also helpful. Don't become disheartened if you don't find something or need to return an order. Finding the right piece can take time, but it's so worth it!
While men have fewer options, simply changing up the cut and material of underwear can make a difference. After all, few people feel sexy in tighty-whities or boxers that boast far more holes than they should! The key is to be comfortable, even when you're experimenting. A good friend or your partner can help you choose something you might not have thought you could “pull off” that helps you really feel yourself.
Get In Front of the Camera
Once you've got the look down, you might find it beneficial to take some photos to appreciate and remind yourself how sexy you truly are! A selfie can be a great confidence booster, and you can experiment with angles and filters. But we're all not photographers extraordinaire, so enlisting the help of someone else might produce photos that you can be proud of. Again, your partner or a good friend might be your go-to; however, many people find that they feel empowered and sexy after participating in boudoir photoshoots. A professional sets the scene, helps you become comfortable, and may even have wardrobe and makeup on site to produce photos that will truly blow you away. Make sure to do research into professional photographers, and bring a friend if you feel more comfortable that way!
To Feel Sexier, Be Sexual
Finally, one of the most potent ways to feel sexier is to do sexy things. Making your partner feel amazing can make you feel like the sexiest person alive. Similarly, knowing how much someone desires you and cannot wait to get their hands on you. Allow yourself to bask in that, to believe it. Stay in the moment. Focus on how you feel and let worries about how you look slip away. Sure, your partner might notice the extra roll in your tummy, but if they mind, they wouldn't be with you. And anyone who makes you feel less sexy than you deserve doesn't deserve to have sex with you!