You might have heard of Dr. Gary Chapman’s five love languages, perhaps even using them to improve your relationship. But have you heard of the five sex languages?
Douglas Weiss, who leads the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs and the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy, published his book on the five sex languages in 2016. Weiss based his book on his 30 years of experience, promising it would be a “roadmap to sexual pleasure for you and the one you love.” For many people, the thought that their partners might have sex for other reasons than they do comes as a surprise, just like they might have been surprised to learn how their partners best prefer to receive (and show) love. By discovering your motivations and your partner’s for having sex, you can more deeply connect and reduce friction over sex. But even if your sex life is good, Weiss argues that understanding your sex language can make it that much better.
What are the five sex languages, according to Weiss?
Of course, most of us think of sex as fun, but some people desire it because it’s fun. Weiss writes about how those people whose sex language is fun enjoy spontaneous sex. For these people, creativity and variety are the names of the game. In fact, they may treat sex as a game! If your sex language is fun, you like to have sex in different positions and locations.
The soundtrack for the desire sex language could be Cheap Trick’s song ”I Want You To Want Me.” These people feel the most desire for sex when they are desired themselves. These people want to be pursued and wooed. They appreciate it when their partners try to seduce them.
If your love language is pleasure, then you want to know how to get the most about sex. You might have an entire bookcase full of books about sex tips or scour the Internet for techniques that will turn things up to 11. These people are not afraid to talk about what they have learned, either! Their research includes both solo and partner skills. When pleasure is your sex language, you want to engage in sex both emotionally and spiritually.
There is a group of people who enjoy slow and gentle sex. They want prolonged leadup and time to cuddle afterward. These people identify with patience as a love language. Instead of having a quickie, they want to make time for sex. It is proactive and thoughtful.
The final sex language is that of acceptance. These people want to feel not just accepted but loved and celebrated by their partners for their entirety and not just for their bodies or sexuality.
According to Dr. Weiss, men and women do not tend to identify with any sex languages more than the other, and you might be surprised to discover someone’s sex language. He also warns that some sex languages may not be as compatible as others. For example, someone whose sex language is patience might not mesh well with someone who has the same sex language because they both want their partners to spend time and effort on them. Similarly, patience and desire or celebration types might not be the best match. However, there’s good news! As you learn about sex languages, you will not only be better able to speak your lover’s sex language, but you might be able to adopt a combination of your own to become more compatible.
Now that you know the five sex languages, can you figure out which one (or two) applies most to you? What about your partner? One exciting thing about this concept is how you can start talking and brainstorming ways of enhancing sex for your partner and yourself right away. It is not punishing in the least. Instead, it is a fun and sexy way to have better sex almost immediately!